I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
