You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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