"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
