low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
