In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
