how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
