If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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