quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
