i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
