I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
