My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Can you bring me the toilet please
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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