Jerry, you need to find god
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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