I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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