Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
