I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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