I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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