I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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