life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
