I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
