I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
