new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
