Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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