So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
