I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
