For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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