Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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