WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
