Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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