I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
