I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't want my vagina anymore.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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