Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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