what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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