After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
