There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
