Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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