Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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