fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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