I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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