Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
