Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
