Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
