I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
