i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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