wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
