Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
