i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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