we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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