Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
