what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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