The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
