ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i will never coherently bang her
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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